That Drifting Poo Was Way Too Symbolic! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to bafflingly poor documentaries, here are the productions that left us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with woeful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series struggled to find its footing. For a moment, as the third series began, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too symbolic. Still, fans certainly found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was almost the smallest of this show's problems. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start listing the flaws. The laughably leaden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and consumption? The almost deliberate parade of tropes? Acting so bad they felt borderline malicious? Let’s just say “each and every one” and forget about this series again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and fatherly shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d truly have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless excess while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was ridiculous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One barely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Dodgy figures convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing dialects. But there were plenty of other issues. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the degree to which she grinds the gears of certain ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into quaint lifestyle as intentional provocations. But then you view them and are forced to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware magazine come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be said about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Rather, the experience was like reading a marketing brochure. She obviously has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How do you follow a show that captured a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of celebrity friends involved felt icky.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke milked to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lumbering from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A complete mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and eliminating – academics frankly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This hagiography followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who appeared to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.